Instant messenger bullying is so last decade. Yes, I will admit I used to frequent Internet chat rooms becausenothing pulls you out of funk like belittling and degrading random strangers via the persona SexiLexiKittyKat19. And I must confess I would get a sick sense of satisfaction out of answering the solicit a/s/l (age/sex/location) with 45/in limbo/behind you. But, I have learned to channel my addiction to the greater good. I like to think of myself as somewhat of a digital Dexter.
Facebook has spurred my desire for online vigilantism, targeting those inept Facebook users who’s abuse of the public forum places me on the brink of taking down my firewall, unplugging my surge protector and craving the Blue Screen of Death.
In response to this frustration I have constructed the ultimate retribution plan, five steps to Facedown (Facebook breakdown). However, I do want to stress the extremity of this attack. Do not implement lightly.
In order to prevent abuse of the Facedown I have included some examples of appropriate activity to target. All scenarios are actual Facebook activity posted by real Facebook users.
Statuses intensely asserting your satisfaction with your life: Woke up early this morning feeling sexy and was getting ready and saying bye to my gorgeous amazing boyfriend when he randomly confessed his love to me.
Itinerary statuses explicitly detailing your entire years plans and emotional reactions, especially when grammatically slaughtered: Well sitting at home as of now. Getting ready to go eat and than go work out and get my Zumba freak on its been forever since i went and worked out and let me say i really need to bad. Done with guys for awhile im tired of them being mean to me for no reason so ima live life to the fullest and just do me. Guys are pigs and always will be.
Photos including but not limited to: romantically gnawing or attacking a significant others face or other body part, holding dead, dying, or mutilated animals and doctored, planned or adjusted idyllic times captioned to create the allusion you are always uniquely happy, majestic or chic.
Playing Farmville or even worse, failing at Farmville: Ariel needs some critter milk to heal her wounded lamb.
Obsessively liking mundane activities and every-day commodities: Lan likes cookies. Lan likes water. Lan likes goingoutside. Lan likes lamp.
Liking unreasonably long and dumb statements: Tara likes “when a girl walks into a room with no make up on, third degree burns, and missing a leg and asks her boy if he thinks she is pretty and boy puts down the Xbox controller, causing him to loose four weeks of progress and says, ‘I don’t like you with no make up on and physically mutilated, I love it.’ Then boy pulls out banjo and begins to serenade her with, I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.”
Now that you have reviewed the evidence and acquired your subject let the physiological warfare begin.
Five Ways To Facedown:
Inescapable friending purgatory With extreme cases, where deserving subjects can be identified upon friend request, leave them in Facebook purgatory. Neither accepting nor deny their friendship will cause hyper-anxiety.
Wall-post schizophrenia: Sporadically delete all of their posts on your wall. For optimal effect alternate between instant deletes and day later deletes.
The Selective de-tag: De-tag yourself only from the photos of you and that person in albums where you are pictured and tagged with their friends.
One click retribution: Attack them in the post passive ways possible, the poke and the like. Poke them, obsessively, everyday. Then like everything you should dislike. This includes all status they post that detail their personal despair and misfortune. If you are successful at this you may even reach the point where you are liking passive aggressive status directed at you!
And that is all folks — five easy ways to Facedown. Enjoy!