Returning home from college is like returning home from war. Granted, my meals are no Johnny Cakes and Cush, but dinners of FiberOne bars and frozen veggie burgers are arguably no better than MRE (Meal, Ready to Eat). My heart always melts when that big blue door opens to the aroma of freshly bake bead and simmering spaghetti sauce. The glow emanating from the fully stocked fridge always looks so divine. Is that the hum of a kitchen appliance or the song of heaven’s angles?
13-year old brother: “Why are you on your knees? Are you crying? What’s wrong with you? ”
Me: “We have pie, pizza and potatoes (The Holy Trinity of Carbohydrates)”
13-year old brother: “You are so strange.”
He will understand how good he has it when he has the shower door come off the track and crush him while he attempts to clean two days of grime and the stench of coffee off himself under a stream of room temperature water so weak a wash cloth could ring more water pressure.
While even cleaning presents a challenge what I found with my particular residence (kind of a house, kind of hostel) the biggest problem does not seem to be the actual cleaning, but the keeping anything clean for any real amount of time. It is as if dirt emerges out of the woodwork. And literally, it does. Our landlord’s solution to fixing things is not to replace them, but to destroy them enough to put cheap replacements on top of them. So we have entire walls constructed from years of layering Plaster of Paris onto rotting dry wall. And the laminate floor, cut by someone I can only assume is blind or incredibly awful at puzzles, just sort of lays in slightly fragment pieces on deteriorating wood planks (Do we actually have a floor? I am not sure). Needless to say our rotting house is continually spewing out puffs of dirt and creatures from baseboards, holes, and nests (or what they call in real houses, vents)
- Our fridge self likes to spontaneously collapse
- There are so many unpleasant smells the stove being left on may not produce a fume considered “unordinary” or “hazardous”
- I cannot walk in our kitchen without shoes on
- There are nuclear hot spots
- The inconsistant heating system has created multiple biomes within one residence
- We can’t turn on our carbon monoxide detectors…because they never stop going of
- We have a dumpster in our front yard
- The homeless people that shop in the dumpster sometimes take our stuff
But, on the plus side, the ambient noise is PRICELESS!
PAQUIN SLEEPMATE 2012
Are you tired of peaceful undisturbed sleep night after night? The Paquin Sleepmate 2012 creates a variety of sounds that completely disrupt all peace or tranquility. You cannot control tone or volume and sometimes the decibel will literally make your ears bleed.
- Car honking
- Ambulance Sires Blaring
- Homeless Harry (this sound also has many variations such as Harry rummaging through garbage or Harry talking to himself “Yeah she was a whore, but I saw an opportunity and I took it!” )
- Carbon Monoxide alarm
- Ceaseless banging
- Women shrieking
- Surprise murders sound (These sounds vary greatly but always produce the spine tingling fear someone is being murdered)
Bonus Feature: The new Fire and Ice feature is a temperature control that completes this sensory experience. Fire allows you to wake up completely drenched in sweat and struggling to breathe while ice will surely provide you a wonderful teeth chatter and purplish skin hue.
Before I left for college I never thought home would be an escape, but I’m on hiatus and it is quite lovely. And look who I just found, my friend Alex.
This is Alex. Alex says hi.