Cyanide & Sex and the City Reruns

Valentine’s day seems to be peoples favorite holiday to hate. While I am a girl whose most functional relationship has been with my mother and the cast of Cheers,  I have not had  passive aggressive loathing, depressive distaste or pretentious rejection towards Valentine’s day ever since Edwardsville School District 7 stopped forcing me to spend $15 dollars, and four hours writing my classmates names on a scantily clad picture of Britney Spears that says “You Drive me Crazy.” (I hope someone has updated these card with a picture of her bald. She really sings the truth)  And even then I always had a devilish time changing the messages on my cards:

    

Full Disclosure: It was after this “handy work” was distributed  that they started sending me to the school therapist.  Except…we didn’t actually have a real therapist. Instead, they enrolled me in speech therapy, and considered the problem handled. To be fair, it really is the same thing, according the teacher all I needed was someone to talk to (and tell me when what I was saying was “wrong”). With budget cuts, I am actually surprised they didn’t just hand me a broom and send me to shadow Janitor Dan. But, then again, that would not have been as socially traumatic as the loud speaker announcements “Lindsey Wehking, please report to room 606 for speech therapy at this time, thank you” 

Like I said, I have no issues with Valentine’s day, and I really only equate it to the the restocking of the candy bowls in doctor’s offices and on secretary desks. The Christmas (censored: Yes, I pride myself on having a politically correct blog) Holiday candy was really getting stale. But, as I came to realize once I became of dating age, the rest of the world refuses to accept this. Whenever people find out your single on Valentine’s day, and not doing anything people always act as if your dad ran off to Fuji with the housekeeper. “Oh, I’m so sorry honey, that is just such a shame, but don’t worry! You are such a great girl, things will get better” 

So this year, I put on my “hipster in a Wal-Mart” face and gave into the expected cynicism.

“JOE IS TAKING ME TO DINNER AT CHILI’S! IT IS OUR FAVORITE PLACE! What are you doing?” 

“Cyanide & Sex and the City reruns.” 

“That sounds like fun” 

Can you believe that! It worked! People are ridiculous, and I am including my own mother in this. I simply don’t understand why I am not allowed to be single and content with it. If I am not being forced to be angry and jaded by other women (this is not Hallmarks fault) then my mother is sending me books from “The Goodwill” called, Avoiding Mr. Wrong or 258 Great Dates While You Wait. And yes, the former confused me a bit..if this book is supposed to by my time till Prince Charming comes galloping in (Yes, I am just sitting around bored and waiting!), who am I supposed to be going on dates with? Then I thought maybe the book also came with a blind date hotline! Eeeee! That elation lasted until I got to the first page, and oh boy….

pg.1 WHY DO YOU WANT TO DATE? 

Have you ever asked yourself why you want to date? If not, ask it now. Go ahead, say it out loud. “Why do I want to date?”

There are many bad reasons to date: popularity, conquest, pressure from friends, nothing better to do. But then again, there are a few good reasons, too.

(1)You enjoy spending time and getting to know the opposite sex.

(2)You know you can have some good, clean, fun.

(3)You are attracted to him or her (God did that).

(4)You’re wondering what time of person you want to live with for the rest of your life, so spending time with several becomes a good way to find out what personality best fits your own.

Some adults believe that allowing teenagers to date is like putting a kid in a candy shop. They think, Teens are awakening to their sexuality and they are going to want to experiment. When they do, mistakes will be made and consequences will have to be faced- some deadly. It’s better not to let them date at all during their high school years until the are mature enough to handle the pressure. 

Frankly, this post has dragged on long enough, so instead of providing the incredibly witty stream of consciousness occurring while I read this page, I just bolded my favorite phrases! The commentary on this will be part of a larger set included in my stand up comedy routine. And by that I mean the jokes I tell already aggravated customers when my two liberal arts degrees get me that great job at McDonalds.

But, to sum this all up, I am not angry and, while I appreciate the literature, a book is not going to get you closer to the hoard of grandchildren you creepily hound me for, Mom! So this Valentine’s day, send me something eatable, and let me be content! I have a date with Ted Danson. =)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Full Disclosure: Things I did while writing this blog. 

(1) Googled Britney Spears valentines to find out if phrases from her other songs have been made into children’s cards yet. I think “Hit me baby one more time”, “I’m a Slave 4 U”, and “Gimme More” all have a lot of potential. 

(2) Texted my mom. She just wanted to know if she could sell all my things and paint my room. I went ahead and let her know my childhood is 100% flammable and theres kerosine in the garage if that would be easier.  

(3) Hot glued a stick to my table lamp. I think it is important to integrate aspects of nature into the decor. 

(4) Burnt myself with the hot glue gun. 

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2 thoughts on “Cyanide & Sex and the City Reruns

  1. Steve says:

    Hi, stumbled on this. Those pictures are way too funny. Also, just so you know, in full disclosure, your #3 and #4 “full disclosure” items are hilarious. And so true. How good of you to bring nature inside. Sorry you got burned. That’s life!

  2. Mimi Perreault says:

    Lindsey very interesting blog. I love how you used media to do research. This was definitely a great laugh. I would have liked to have seen photos of Britney Spears valentines. I hope you say Cheers to Ted Danson for me.

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